DON'T TAKE TOO BIG A BREATH -- FELIX

[kacey findlay]

Kacey didn't understand it. Truly, he just didn't understand the appeal of drugs. They were substances that would slowly kill you and tear you apart from the inside out and... for what? For a high every now and then? To him, it didn't seem worth the risk. Unfortunately for Kacey, his boyfriend didn't even notice that there was a risk and he loaded himself up with as many drugs as he could get his hands on. It was an awful, disgusting habit and Kacey had tried to get him to stop before but it never seemed to work for longer than a few days. He was lenient about how much weed Felix could smoke, as weed was probably the best drug for him to do if he felt so compelled as to do one, but the other drugs were outlawed completely. The first time he had asked Felix to stop, it hadn't occurred to him that he wouldn't. Kacey had, stupidly, figured that if Felix loved him like he said he did, he would do anything to keep him happy. Oh, how wrong Kacey had been. The drugs were an addiction and that wasn't easily broken by anything, love included. It hurt to know that Felix was slowing ruining himself. He had so much potential and he was just throwing it all away, it seemed.

Things between himself and Felix had been fine recently. They weren't fighting, and Kacey hadn't found him high off his ass at all for at least a week. Felix was being extraordinarily sweet and loving and the two of them could be found cuddling together almost constantly, unless Felix had to be with his band. It looked as though, maybe, he had finally gotten through to his boyfriend. That was before Kacey found the half empty bottles of pills, though, and came to the realization that Felix was just getting smarter about when to do his drugs. Well, wasn't that fantastic? His stomach had dropped and his chest felt tight when he grabbed for the bottles and he felt rather hopeless. Kacey was so damn close to giving up. What could he do, anyway? He was spineless and quiet and he absolutely hated confrontation, especially with Felix, but at the same time, he couldn't just sit around and watch the love of his life deteriorate gradually and painlessly before his eyes.

He made sure that the door slammed shut loudly behind him as an announcement of his arrival. Kacey had pocketed the pills when he first found them and then disposed of them as soon as he could, and he was sure that Felix had noticed they were missing by now. His arms crossed tightly over his chest and he frowned, staring at a napping Felix. He moved over to the bunk and placed his hand on Felix's shoulder, shaking him a few times to bring him to consciousness. "Get up, baby." He mumbled weakly, all of his previous fire about the pills melting away. Felix just looked so damn peaceful sleeping and the last thing that Kacey wanted to do was start a fight. Even so, the fight just had to happen. He couldn't sit on this for any longer or things would just get worse. Felix would get more, new pills and that wouldn't help anything.

When Felix finally woke up, Kacey moved his hand away from his shoulder and swallowed tightly, trying to find the courage within himself to just spit out what he had to say. "Look, F-Felix..." He began, knowing that stuttering wasn't going to help anything. Sighing, he began again, "Look, Felix, I... found your pills and, I just don't know what to say to you." His eyes shifted to the floor, trying to focus on anything other than his boyfriend, before he continued. "You told me you would stop and you didn't and... I'm just, I don't really know... so, so disappointed in you, I guess." He could practically feel his heart snapping some at the words as he spoke them and his throat began to close up. Kacey began to chew on the inside of his cheek in order to keep himself from crying but it didn't help and tears started to well up in his eyes, as he was always quite the sensitive one. Lifting a hand up to rub at his eyes, he sighed softly and just shook his head, at a loss for any more words. He took a few steps back and began to pace, attempting to clear his head so that he could find one thing, one sentence that would sting enough to show Felix that he was serious. He needed Felix to believe that he wasn't joking about any of this, and that his drug abuse needed to be stopped. Pausing, he turned to stare Felix straight in the eye before mumbling, "I can't do this anymore."

[/justify]

WORDS - EIGHT HUNDRED SIXTEEN TAGS - ZACH NOTES - ILY

[felix mason]

Felix had tried. He really had. He knew Kacey didn't approve of his addiction to, well, anything, but addiction isn't something you can just shake off. Once you're hooked, it has a hold on you, and its not something you can break very easily. Kacey didn't mind his drinking and smoking cigarettes so much as he did the weed and the pills. Especially the pills. Kacey let him smoke the weed, but he had told him that everything else had to stop. So Felix had put down the pill bottle, tried quitting cold turkey. It hadn't worked. So, he figured that he would hide from Kacey the fact that he was doing it still for as long as it took him to stop. And he hadn't stopped yet. At first, he had tried his hardest. He had wanted nothing more than to make Kacey happy. But then his conviction had waned. Why did he want to stop doing something that brought him pleasure? That mindset was going to eventually be his downfall. Sure, he wanted to make Kacey happy. He loved him, and would do anything for him. But this was just something that he couldn't bring himself to do. His addiction controlled his decision, and in this situation, his own pleasure meant more to him than anything else, including the happiness of his boyfriend.

In Felix's opinion, getting high alone sucked. But it was his only choice if he didn't want Kacey to find out that he was still doing it. So he sat on the bus, waiting for everyone to leave. Kacey was somewhere with his friends, and Felix didn't expect him back until much later, so as soon as everyone had vacated the bus, he went to his bunk, reached underneath the mattress and pulled out a bottle of prescription sleeping pills. He opened the bottle,poured out about eight of them and put them all in his mouth, chewing them in order tor release all of the time-release medicine all at once. A few moments later, he was definitely feeling much better. It was all he could do to put the top back on the pills before he lost it completely and went stumbling around the bus. Somewhere amidst his blind walking, he dropped the pills. He then proceeded to make his way back to his bunk, crawl up inside of it, cover himself up and fall asleep almost immediately.

Hours later, he faintly heard the door of the bus slam, but it didn't really register that someone was probably angry. Most of his high had worn off, but he was still a little groggy, and all he wanted to do was sleep. This, however, apparently wasn't in the cards for him, because not five minutes later, he was awoken by Kacey's soft voice and his hand on his shoulder. It took him a moment to do, but eventually he was able to open his eyes and sit up. One look at Kacey's face told him something was wrong, but before he could say anything, Kacey began. The words that came next were a shock to him. His heart fell when Kacey began to cry, and he knew it was his fault. Nothing hit home, however, like Kacey's final words. I can't do this anymore. It took Felix a moment to really understand the implications of that statement, but once it had fully registered, he began to shake his head. He was at a loss for what to say. He couldn't lose Kacey. That would be the end of him. He had to stop doing the drugs. Anything to keep Kacey there.

Eventually, he regained the ability to speak, and immediately began trying to explain himself. "Baby, I... I'm so stupid! I don't even know why I do this to myself. For a cheap high? And at what cost? I... I can't lose you, Kacey. You're my whole world. But this addiction, it's so hard to beat. I tried, I... I really did. I'm just not strong enough. I need your help...." His voice trailed off, and by this time he has started to cry softly. Tears ran down his cheeks. To anyone that knew him well, like Kacey did, this was an indicator that he was serious. He almost never cried, and it wasn't something he did lightly. He wanted to more than he did, but he held it in, because he viewed it as a sign of weakness, at least in himself. He hoped that Kacey could see that he was serious this time, at least more so than he was last time. He knew that it would probably take some work to regain Kacey's trust, at least in this matter, but he was willing to do anything. He loved Kacey and he couldn't lose him... he just couldn't. He wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing that he had lost him over something as stupid as drugs... something that he could have stopped.

WORDS: 830 TAGS: BEXX/KACEY NOTES: I LOVE YOU TOO<3

[kacey findlay]

Kacey didn't want to hear any of Felix's damn excuses. He was sick and tired of hearing them because they never changed. He always said that he had tried his hardest, and that he just couldn't do it, and Kacey couldn't stand to hear that one more time. When Felix started to give him the usual sentences, Kacey shot him a glare through his tears and then looked away. He let his eyes drift back slowly to Felix's face, however, when Felix said that he just needed Kacey's help to quit. Well, he'd never said that before. He swallowed tightly and shrugged weakly, trying to ignore the obvious tears flowing slowly down Felix's perfect cheeks. The same cheeks that Kacey had placed loving kisses on many times. It hurt so much to see his love cry, and Kacey knew very well that that meant Felix was serious about what he said, but he still couldn't allow himself to believe Felix. He was walked all over by so many people day in and day out and Kacey, somehow, wouldn't put it past Felix to be making fake tears. "Stop it!" He exclaimed, desperation lacing his voice. "God, Felix, just stop. Quit it with your crying and lies... I know you didn't try, you know you didn't try. Who are you trying to prove yourself to?" Kacey found it incredibly difficult to spit those words out but he still managed, even though it did just make him cry harder.

He sank down to the floor and sat cross-legged, hiding his face in his hands. It just wasn't fair for Felix to ask for his help now, when Kacey was close to not caring. He would've been more than happy to help before but now it had become evident, ever since he found those pill bottles, that Felix wasn't someone who would be changed easily, if at all, and that made Kacey less willing. "You don't even want to quit, do you?" He stared at his boyfriend and, for the first time ever, wondered what was so damn great about Felix Mason. The answer? Nothing. Nothing was great about him at all. He just made stupid decisions that ended up creating problems for Kacey. "God, I mean... Why do I even try, right? What's the fucking point, huh, babe?" He wasn't usually one to use profanity, although he was not completely opposed to it. It really felt awful being so nasty all of a sudden but Kacey couldn't help it. This was all of his emotions pent up from previous fights in which he had just shut up and apologized eventually. Shaking his head, he looked down at his lap, took a deep breath, and said something he knew would hurt. "You disgust me, Felix." He didn't allow himself to look over at his boyfriend after he said this because he knew that the reaction to his words wasn't going to be one he liked, not at all.

Kacey began to wring his hands in his lap as he began to think incredibly hard about what the hell had even drawn him to such a bad boy in the first place. Maybe he was just a hopeless case for the heartbreakers, just the same as every goddamn teenage girl out there. Or, maybe, just maybe... He was plain old stupid. Either way, it sucked. Kacey felt just awful currently and it seemed to him as though this was how he felt most of the time. He felt awful with Felix and he felt awful without Felix. He couldn't imagine, and didn't want to imagine, his life without Felix as his boyfriend but at the same time, he couldn't see Felix fitting into his life anymore if drugs were always going to come first, put before his happiness. Still, the idea of leaving and breaking up with Felix hurt more than anything and he knew he wasn't brave enough to live life on his own. He needed Felix so badly, so desperately, that it was almost ridiculous. Felix didn't seem to need him as badly. If he did, Kacey was sure he wouldn't still be loading himself up with pills. "I just, I mean, do you even love me? Really? At all?" He whispered weakly, sniffling some. "Because if you do, you've got a horrible way of showing it, I hope you know." And it was true. For as sweet as Felix could be sometimes, the bad things that he did outweighed the good. The drug abuse and alcohol abuse and gambling problems pushed aside anything nice that Felix ever did. "You just, I don't know, Felix. You're throwing away so much... It's so stupid." He shrugged and wiped at the tears on his cheeks, trying to calm himself down although it wasn't working out very well.

WORDS - EIGHT HUNDRED THREE TAGS - ZACH NOTES - NONE

[felix mason]

Felix had never heard Kacey speak this way before. It had come as a complete shock to him as soon as Kacey had even glared at him, let alone yelled. He was once again at a loss for words, so he just sat there quietly, still unable to stem the flow of tears leaking from his eyes. It appeared that Kacey was going to give him a reality check. When Kacey told Felix that he knew that he didn't try to quit, Felix could do nothing but look down at his lap. That was true. He knew he could have done a lot more to stop, to keep his promise to his boyfriend. But when Kacey told Felix that he didn't really want to quit, he found his voice again. "I do want to quit! I want to do whatever makes you happy..." He had tried to be confident in his words, but he had failed, and Kacey disregarded them as though they had never been spoken. Felix decided that it was probably better to just let Kacey finish before he attempted to say anything else in his own defense... or, perhaps, his own prosecution. Felix couldn't deny that he had fucked up majorly this time around.

For a moment, they both sat there in silence. The silence didn't last, however, as Kacey continued to speak. Felix could tell he was serious about what he said, because Kacey almost never used profanity, and when he did, he was passionate about what he was speaking about. Truth be told, Felix didn't know why Kacey tried. Why Kacey stayed with him. He knew that he didn't deserve someone as good as Kacey, and that Kacey deserved so much better than him. These thoughts brought more tears to his eyes. Kacey's next words, however, cut the deepest of any he had said so far. You disgust me Felix. At the utterance of this phrase, Felix's head snapped up, and his jaw dropped. He stared at Kacey, but Kacey refused to meet his gaze. To hear this from the one person in the world that meant the most to him, the one who had brought happiness back into his life, was like a kick in the teeth. It sent Felix's head spinning. His eyes swam with more tears, and he looked back down at his lap. He didn't know what to think anymore, except that the whole situation was his fault, and that he would never forgive himself for fucking up what he and Kacey had, because, at that point, he couldn't see their fight ending in anything but heartache.

Again, they both sat in silence. Felix was unable to speak, but again, Kacey continued. The question he asked didn't surprise Felix at all. He would have asked the same thing if their roles had been reversed. He did love Kacey, there was no doubt in his mind about that. Every time he thought about him, his heart fluttered, and he got butterflies in his stomach. He didn't care how cliche it sounded. Kacey was his one and only, his true love. Felix shook his head as Kacey continued, and when Kacey was done speaking, the silence settled back in as Felix thought about what to say. He knew no matter what he said, Kacey probably wouldn't believe him. He had fucked up that aspect of their relationship. Felix couldn't believe how stupid he'd been. He should have stopped when Kacey had asked him to the first time, instead of just hiding it from him. Relationships were supposed to be based on trust, and now there was none of that left. Kacey sure as hell wasn't going to trust him anymore. But he was going to try his hardest to rebuild the trust he had thrown out the window.

He thought for a little while longer before he started to speak again. "Kacey... I do love you. With every ounce of my being. I can't imagine my life without you because I wouldn't have a life without you. I know I have a shitty way of showing you how I feel, but please, please believe me. I love you more than... fucking, everything. I'd give all of it up if I only got to keep you. And I know I'm throwing my life away. I don't want it to end because of something stupid I did. I'll do anything, anything to fix this... fix myself. I know you have no reason to believe me but please, just give me one more chance. I'll prove to you that I mean what I say." Felix didn't know where all the words had come from, but he was glad that they had come. He just hoped they served his purpose well enough, because he couldn't stand for Kacey to be mad at him how he was. He was determined to fix everything he had broken, no matter what he had to do, or how long it took.

WORDS: 830 TAGS: BEXX/KACEY NOTES: AWH</3